“Deep within the furthest reaches of my cerebral landscape, The Menace dwells. It smoulders like an angry star; never quite bright enough to reveal an escape but so venomously hot… Its malice stoked with every smothered whisper of escape, its lungs blistered from the searing atmosphere of the sarcophagus in which it eternally resides. With teeth, fire and fury it sings and screams a most foul cacophony of both despair and delight in its own suffering, for it lives for pain. It lives for the torturous overture it conducts from all those who perceive even the faintest echoes of its call. It lives to hate, and to be hated. I’m also pretty sure that it wears a scarf whenever possible…”
The above paragraph is, well… drivel. It is just a bunch of words strung together to try and deliver a simple message in the most convoluted and pseudo-artistic way possible. In a word, it is pretentious.
Before I get to the point of this blog, (Editors Note: ok, before any of you urethral swabs have time to take a breath and make the obvious statement, I will do it for you; there IS no point to this or any other blog. Thank you, now fuck off. You may now return to your life of corn chips and chronic masturbation) let’s take a look at the true meaning of pretentiousness. We will start our learning process in a pretentious way by following Directive #3 of the “Universal Guide To Pretentiousness” and consulting www.dictionary.com.
Pre-ten-tious
–adjective
| 1. | full of pretense or pretension. |
| 2. | characterized by assumption of dignity or importance. |
| 3. | making an exaggerated outward show; ostentatious. |
So now that we understand what the word pretentious means, we can go back to the top paragraph. “The Menace” refers to both my worry that I may in fact be somewhat pretentious, as well as to my pretentiousness itself. I guess it is fairly obvious that I AM somewhat pretentious since I took the time to jam a butt-load of metaphorical nonsense down your unwilling and therefore un-moistened throats instead of just saying “I think I am sort of pretentious. Fuck.” For this, I do apologize. Pretentious people are often annoying to most, mainly because they give off the impression that they think they are better then you. Holy shit, even italicized words look pretentious! I think I am starting to develop a complex… Anyway, we must move forward if we ever intend to find a point to this blog so stop fucking around and start a new paragraph!
That’s better.
The 5 Prime Directives Of Pretentiousness
(As written In “The Universal Guide to Pretentiousness”)
1: Own and wear a minimum of 2 scarfs on a regular basis, regardless of the weather.
2: Never carry your wallet in any of your pants pockets.
3: Revel in the regular use of www.dictionary.com
4: Drink wine, and talk about how it tastes of many things that in no way resemble wine.
5: Never, ever, under any circumstances, laugh at bathroom humour, ever.
The above list is something everyone should read over a few times and memorize, for these 5 trusty directives can help you identify a pretentious person quickly before they trap you in a conversation about their classic shoe collection. By doing so, you can disable them with a swift knee to the groin. No matter how many Tolstoy novels one PLANS on reading, getting rocked in the stones still fucking hurts.
Hey cool! We are getting closer to the purpose behind the penning of this bulletin; this enlightening epistle, this observance of human b… OWWWW!!!!! I mean, uh… this blog. I mean, this thing.
I am worried that I might be pretentious. I mean I am no 5 Prime Directive kind of guy, but I am worried that I might be a tad pretentious, if not at least peculiar, and maybe a tad arrogant… Here is a list of things I have composed that might support this theory:
List of Things That May Indicate Pretentiousness
-I use www.dictionary.com all the frigging time, often just to find out what the word of the day is.
-I own more Miles Davis albums then I own dirty magazines.
-I am a total coffee snob, and not only go to starbucks exclusively, but I grind and brew my own starbucks coffee every morning and put it in a stainless steel thermos to keep it warm as to not “cook” the coffee on the machine’s warmer. (This one is a doozie, I know)
-I enjoy drinking fine wine, as well as fancy imported beer.
-I can easily afford cable, but choose to not have my television even hooked up with the local channels.
-I read books, and none of them are called “The Secret”.
-I find puns humourous.
-I think I am a fairly intelligent person, despite the fact that I have no formal education to back that up whatsoever (Arts Diploma in Music/Jazz Performance with a minor in jerking off sailors for change).
-I think attractive women who wear glasses are really attractive because it makes them look nerdy, and the removal of these glasses will unleash some kind of sex beast that speaks only in 5-syllable "dirty talk".
-I try to say foreign words with the appropriate accent.
-I enjoy listening to the Dave Matthews Band.
-I have a blog. Uh oh….
Holy fuck! That is one hell of a list of evidence that might condemn me to being known as a pretentious guy! If only there was a list of evidence to the contrary! Oh wait, there is.
List of Evidence To The Contrary: “Steve’s Only Hope”
-I don’t own more than one pair of shoes at one time, aside from runners and snow boots.
-“What is a dress shirt? Its either a dress or a shirt, it can’t be both!”
-I don’t own a scarf, and probably don’t know how to wear one without getting hurt.
-I do drink wine, but often alongside beer. Nothing I say at this point comes close to anything resembling classy or intellectual.
-I drink starbucks coffee because it tastes fucking delicious. I will apologize to nobody for this one. Eat me.
-I own a pair of Kiss novelty slippers with giant teeth on them. Probably the tackiest piece of clothing in history.
-Megadeth, Black Sabbath, AC/DC, and Guns N’ Roses all rule.
-I once had sex while wearing a batman cape.
-I think a life of corn chips and chronic masturbation seems pretty cool.
-Bathroom humour is always hilarious. Sorry Mom.
Well after analyzing the above lists, the results are….inconclusive. I don’t think I am truly a pretentious person, but I definitely find some aspects of pretentious behavior to be cool. What it truly boils down to is that I think I am pretty awesome, but no better than anyone else. I also think fine wines are amazing, but I can’t afford them. In the end, one thing is crystal clear….
I JUST SPENT AN ENTIRE HOUR WRITING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I THINK I AM PRETENTIOUS!!!!! That makes me a complete wanker, and there is no debate over that issue. Pass the corn chips.
***Editors Note: Once again it has been ages since my last blog, and I once again must apologize…once again. I seem to get carried away with these things and usually spend a good hour working on them. I mean seriously, this is well over 1200 words here! Most blogs out there are daily entries that read something like “It’s Monday, had cereal for breakfast. Still looking for a job, bowel movement was uncomfortable. Probably gonna make spaghetti for dinner. Pass the corn chips.” I don’t want to write a blog about my mundane daily events for the sake of writing something each day, so instead I am going to treat this blog as more of a monthly, or hopefully weekly column of some kind. I know, I am such a huge nerd. Oh, and the thing about the Batman cape was true. Who’s the fucking nerd now you wretched c**ts?!! Ahem, I mean…. I love each and every one of you people who reads this. Ha ha, take care and may your boners be strong and plentiful.***
Posts
